You’re Entitled to My Opinion

A few weeks ago, I was walking into a chorus rehearsal and was stopped by one of my section-mates. We made idle chatter, and as we approached the rehearsal space, she asked me if it was weird for me, being one of the few straight members of our chorus. It’s easy to understand why she would have made that assumption: I’m a woman married to a man. If I were involved with a woman, people would assume me to be gay. Being bisexual means walking that middle ground, and unless you happen to also be polyamorous (which I am not, though I confess to some poly-curiosity over the years), there is going to be a certain degree of polarity.

It’s difficult to be “out” as a monogamous bisexual. A friend of mine has a t-shirt with a slogan she borrowed from me: bisexual, not invisible. Without advertising on a shirt, though, how does one avoid the assumption of heterosexuality? With my circle of friends, I’m very out. My husband and I have been known to check out women together (and he has no objection to me looking at other men, either). But there are no obvious clues to someone I’ve just met.

I would like to be more generally out. I’ve participated in pride parades - but then, so has my straight husband. I am a member of a largely-gay chorus, but there are enough straight members that the assumption cannot necessarily be made there, either. Short of wearing rainbows while I walk hand-in-hand with my husband, I’m not sure how to get the point across.

Everyone knows that adults have different communication styles. There are countless books on the subject, and really it’s just common sense. What I never realized before becoming a mom, though, is how many ways there are to communicate with a prelingual baby.

My husband and I have approached this very differently since our son was born in December. At first, it was a source of anxiety for me: what do I talk to him about? I was actually insecure about sounding “silly,” even though various books had told me that baby-talk is actually good for his language development.

As we’ve bonded over the past 11 weeks, though, I’ve developed my own style and place of comfort. Where my husband is happy to just randomly babble at our son - and I don’t mean baby-talk there, but rather just incessant chatter about things like the solar system and the periodic table - that’s not what works for me.

Likewise, I have a friend who specializes in “baby-scat.” Just like a jazz singer, she’ll improvise random syllables in different pitches and rhythms. The baby seems to enjoy it, even if no one else understands her. This, too, is outside of my comfort zone.

With me, the communication started at my son’s changing table. We spend a lot of time there, after all, so why not make it fun? We play little games, I tickle him, we smile at each other, and we mimic each other’s sounds and expressions. After a while, it becomes second-nature, even in public. I just needed to realize that everything, every smile and touch, is a way of communicating. Suddenly, it was so much easier.

The bottom line is, there is no “right” way to communicate with a child. If you’re comfortable, so will they be. Don’t worry about appropriateness or sounding silly. As an infant, the most important part is the attention you are paying to him or her. So babble away - whatever that word may mean to you.

Here is an area in which everyone seems to have an opinion and want to share it with you. In fact, it starts even before you give birth. The second you either tell people you are pregnant, or begin to show, people come out of the woodwork to give you unsolicited advice. And each and every one is convinced their way is the only way to birth and raise your child.

The truth is, though, there are a thousand “right” ways to raise a baby, and no one can tell you what’s right for you as a parent, nor for your child. Everyone has their own parenting style, and every baby is different. Totally natural, med-free home birth is right for some people, but not for everyone. Exclusive breastfeeding, cloth diapering, attachment parenting, co-sleeping, etc. is the same deal.

Yet, so many people seem to think it’s their business to tell a new or expecting parent how to handle every situation. What’s worse is that every other opinion contradicts the one before it, so even if you are interested in what people have to say, you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what the “right” solution is.

What’s so difficult about live and let live? Why is it necessary to force your views on everyone else? You gave birth to your baby in the water, at home, with no medical interventions at all … that’s great! It doesn’t make you a better mother than someone who went to the hospital, though. If you can exclusively breastfeed your child until he or she is two years old, more power to you. But that “power” does not include the right to look down upon someone who couldn’t, or didn’t, for whatever reason. Their choices are their own, just as your choices were yours.

Everything in parenting is a choice, and everything comes with a price. What one parent can afford has no bearing whatsoever on what anyone else should do. Unless you want to take the 3 a.m. feedings, the diaper explosions, and the eventual payments for college tuition, keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself and let me raise my own child my own way.