The Withdrawal Method to My Madness

Bottle of spilled Lexapro. Image from http://www.scumdoctor.com/

A few weeks back, after accidentally skipping a dose or two, I decided to try weaning myself off my trusted friend, Mr. Lex A. Pro. I was on a very low dose as it was – only 5 mg per day. So I did as my doctor had directed, taking my dose only every other day for 2 weeks. That ended … about a week ago, I believe. For the moment, I am med-free.

It’s been an interesting journey. My whole life, I’ve battled anxiety and occasional depression. It peaked after my son (now 18 months) was born, but I didn’t get the help I truly needed until 10 months ago when I finally decided medication was the answer.

I’d always resisted medication before that point having heard far too many horror stories, and just generally hating the idea that I might have to rely on medication to stabilize my emotions, possibly for the rest of my life. But when my postpartum depression/anxiety hadn’t faded by the time 8 months had passed, I couldn’t resist any longer. My relationship with my son and with my husband… and with myself… absolutely depended on it.

As it turned out, the medication was a godsend. I could sleep like a normal person, my temper was in check, and I could cope with day to day stressors without blowing them way out of proportion. I really liked the way I felt, and freely admitted I’d been wrong to resist so long.

Having said all that, I still don’t like the idea of being on the medication forever. IF it can be avoided. I suppose, in a way, my stopping is something of a trial for me. I want to find out whether or not I can manage my problems in a med-free manner, now that I’ve adjusted to motherhood and my life has attained its own (new) status quo.

So far, it hasn’t been terrible, but I definitely felt better on the Lexapro. My moods are less stable, I’m more on edge, and I’m staying up too late at night. If this is the reality of non-medicated me, I will likely return to Mr. Pro. Time will tell, however, whether the dizziness, the crankiness/irritability, the fatigue (which is likely related to…), the insomnia, and the generally heightened emotionality fades back to more manageable levels on its own, or continues as is. Right at the moment, it’s impossible to tell whether what I’m feeling is my own struggles with GAD, or just the lovely sense of withdrawal from my medication.

Stay tuned to find out where this road will take me.

Back, Forth, Oink Oink Oink

Sick Pig image from www.cuddlecards.com/ccpics/sick_pig1.gif

My 18-month-old son is a genius at sharing. Early this week, he came down with a sniffly, sneezy, clingy. whiny, unhappy little virus and a 102.5 degree fever. By a day and a half later, I had a scratchy throat. Waking up the next morning, I could barely move – which is a lot of fun when you’re home alone all day with a toddler, let me tell you. Aches, fever, still coughing, and just generally miserable. This was yesterday.

By afternoon, my husband had also started showing symptoms, and came home from work. We made a call to our doctor, who said that our symptoms sounded very much like swine flu. Yay.

So … off to the Urgent Care center we went, and the doctor there said it didn’t sound like the strain of flu that’s been going around. O convinced them to test him, at least, as he’s forbidden from working until they know whether or not our doctor’s suspicions are correct. Mind you, at the time of the appointment, none of us had fevers, and Buggie’s symptoms had largely subsided. She figured his illness had run its course, and therefore ours would soon follow.

Forward to today. Fevers haven’t returned, but Buggie’s symptoms have. His nose is runny again, and he’s been tantrumy and miserable. (Those who know our sweet little boy know that this is NOT his typical disposition.) O has been sacked out on the couch with body aches, a cough, and exhaustion (like me, yesterday). I’ve had waves of misery, alternating with waves of actually feeling almost human again. My nose is drippy (as in, has not really stopped at ALL since yesterday afternoon), my eyes are puffy, and I have a mild cough still. Last night, I was prepared to accept what the urgent care doc said, but when Buggie’s symptoms returned today … we’ll just say I’m less convinced.

We should know for sure by Monday, in any case. In the meantime, we’ve stocked up on groceries, canceled our weekend plans, and spent a lot of the day watching TV, reading … and being yelled at by a cranky toddler.-old

Hurry Up. No, Wait!

My husband and I are buying a house. This is the first house either of us have ever bought, so it’s a whole, brand new adventure.

Sale Pending sign from istockphoto.com

(In waiting.)

It feels like months ago that I received the e-mail notification about a house, forwarded it to Bear at work, and made an appointment to go see it. The day after we saw it, we submitted our initial offer, which was accepted fairly quickly. This all happened at the end of May/beginning of June, which really wasn’t that long ago, but it feels much longer.

Since that time, we’ve gone back and forth on the tiniest of details – (proposed) closing date, sellers’ concessions, etc. Each one has required its own set of initials from us and from the seller, until finally all the t’s were dotted and the i’s were crossed. Or something. Today, we finally (2 days from our 7 day deadline) were able to schedule the home inspection. Finally, the process is moving forward again.

Those of you who are not new to this process are probably groaning and rolling your eyes, remembering your own piles of paperwork and weeks of playing the “hurry up and wait” game.

I know it will all be worthwhile when we sign that final piece of paper and a set of keys are placed in our hands. I know that the first time I take Bug outside to play in our very own backyard, all the red tape that got us there will vanish into the ether.

And I know there will be other bumps along the way, both in the buying process and once we officially become homeowners.  Still, that knowledge doesn’t making the waiting game any more fun, nor me any less anxious to get the ball rolling.