The Withdrawal Method to My Madness

Bottle of spilled Lexapro. Image from http://www.scumdoctor.com/

A few weeks back, after accidentally skipping a dose or two, I decided to try weaning myself off my trusted friend, Mr. Lex A. Pro. I was on a very low dose as it was – only 5 mg per day. So I did as my doctor had directed, taking my dose only every other day for 2 weeks. That ended … about a week ago, I believe. For the moment, I am med-free.

It’s been an interesting journey. My whole life, I’ve battled anxiety and occasional depression. It peaked after my son (now 18 months) was born, but I didn’t get the help I truly needed until 10 months ago when I finally decided medication was the answer.

I’d always resisted medication before that point having heard far too many horror stories, and just generally hating the idea that I might have to rely on medication to stabilize my emotions, possibly for the rest of my life. But when my postpartum depression/anxiety hadn’t faded by the time 8 months had passed, I couldn’t resist any longer. My relationship with my son and with my husband… and with myself… absolutely depended on it.

As it turned out, the medication was a godsend. I could sleep like a normal person, my temper was in check, and I could cope with day to day stressors without blowing them way out of proportion. I really liked the way I felt, and freely admitted I’d been wrong to resist so long.

Having said all that, I still don’t like the idea of being on the medication forever. IF it can be avoided. I suppose, in a way, my stopping is something of a trial for me. I want to find out whether or not I can manage my problems in a med-free manner, now that I’ve adjusted to motherhood and my life has attained its own (new) status quo.

So far, it hasn’t been terrible, but I definitely felt better on the Lexapro. My moods are less stable, I’m more on edge, and I’m staying up too late at night. If this is the reality of non-medicated me, I will likely return to Mr. Pro. Time will tell, however, whether the dizziness, the crankiness/irritability, the fatigue (which is likely related to…), the insomnia, and the generally heightened emotionality fades back to more manageable levels on its own, or continues as is. Right at the moment, it’s impossible to tell whether what I’m feeling is my own struggles with GAD, or just the lovely sense of withdrawal from my medication.

Stay tuned to find out where this road will take me.