Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Ribbon. Graphic belongs to October15th.com

It seems appropriate to me that Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day happens at this time of year. At this point 6 years ago (my God, was it really that long?), I was in a deep depression. September 11th through October 26th, 2003 were the worst weeks I had ever suffered. Those weeks span the time period from when we first found out our baby was dead inside me, to our wedding day – the single bright spot in an autumn of darkness.

Because of this early loss – she died at 5 weeks gestation, though it was not confirmed for several more weeks – I underwent various tests and was watched very closely during my next pregnancy, even though that did not occur for another 3 1/2 years. It took us that long for our broken hearts to heal enough to try again.

We never did learn what caused the miscarriage, nor do I know what caused the even earlier loss I’d suffered some five years previous. The tests showed nothing conclusive, and I had an uncomplicated pregnancy in 2007, resulting in the birth of a perfect baby boy.

Though my heart is healed, the scars upon it remain. Never again would I be able to go through pregnancy without fear. Though my son was carried to term (and a few days beyond) and arrived safe and sound, that does not erase the memory of my previous pregnancies. I can not forget those babies I never held or saw, those whose gender and features I can only imagine.

The baby my husband and I lost together lives on in our hearts. She has a name, given to her long before her conception: Micaela (Caelie) Marie. That name makes her real, and allows us to honor her memory. Though I never gave the first baby any such memorial – he or she was gone so quickly, almost before I knew I was pregnant – I mourned in different ways. Neither child has been forgotten, nor ever will.