It Is What It Is

Let me just state, first and foremost, I kind of … well, I don’t want to use ‘hate’ in light of my last post, so let’s instead say that my feathers are ruffled by the expression I used in my title. My distaste for it started on July 4th, 2009, when someone I was with that day had to have used the phrase about 100 times in the course of an afternoon.

And yet, I find myself coming back to it quite often these days. I’ve adopted a much more “living in the moment” stance on my life, and on my relationships with people, and it lands me in a place of acceptance for what is. A year ago, I was very much stuck in a rut of “I wish,” regarding my geographical location, my career-goals, my body, my family… and it really, really brought me down to a dark and difficult place. Through the help of my minister, my husband, and a monthly workshop with some newfound friends, I am learning to accept that what is, is.

There is a certain negative connotation to the phrase, though, which may (in addition to the repetition mentioned in my first paragraph) be part of what has turned me off from it. In a way, it felt to me like settling. “Well, I can’t have what I want, so… I’ll settle for what I’ve got.” It felt like blowing off one’s current circumstance and taking a “whatever,” sort of attitude. Now that I’m able to come at it from a point of acceptance of my own life situation, I can see its positive side as well.

It still is overused, though. I’m not conceding that point!

The Words We Use

Hate.

Love.

We all use these words so lightly, despite how powerful and deep their true meanings are. I was thinking about this recently, as it pertains especially to the word love. We say it almost as habit. We use it to sign letters, to end phone conversations, and in place of “thank you,” all without giving it much of a thought. When I realized this, I vowed to be more mindful when I tell someone I love them. As a rule, I am very choosy about those to whom I will say the word, “love.” To me, it goes deeper than just valuing someone as a human being. It is an intimate expression of trust and confidence, qualities I do not take lightly.

Yet, even though I may reserve the words, “I love you,” for only certain people in my life (and I’m learning to let myself be one of them!), I still use it habitually. Since making this realization, though, I have tried to be more mindful. I still end each phone conversation with my husband by telling him I love him, but I try to take the moment and pause to really feel those words. I feel more honest and genuine now, and less like I am saying just what is expected of me.

Let’s now consider the darker words from the list above. As a society, we use those words lightly as well. “Ugh, I hate it when that happens!” or “I’m afraid that just won’t do.” I’m not suggesting, of course, that we should take a moment to really feel hatred or fear, the way I suggested for love. Rather, I think we should take the mindfulness in a different direction with these words.

My husband has said that he has all but eradicated the word ‘hate’ from his vocabulary, and that he hopes our son never learns what it means. I don’t know if it’s a realistic hope, but wouldn’t that be beautiful? Certainly, at age 3, he has no concept of what it is to hate. Likewise, I don’t think he really knows the word, either. I’m sure he’s heard it because, again, it is most definitely over-used (and I’m certainly guilty of that, myself), but I don’t think he knows what it means. I hope the day when I have to explain it to him is far in the future. I know I can’t protect him forever, but I hope that I can avoid having to explain it to him before he’s old enough to understand. If any of us are ever old enough to understand hatred, that is.

In the meantime, I’ll try to be careful what I say. To assign more value to my words and restore to them their power.