Loss Can Bring Us Together

There’s this almost honeymoon-like period after a loss, wherein you’re so focused on your grief and comforting your partner, everyday difficulties and discussions are tabled until it’s over.  My family recently suffered a loss (two, actually, within the past month-and-change), and today was our day to ease back into “real life” after the devastation.

As we muddled through our morning, I felt a reluctance to move forward. This reluctance, plus the lingering fatigue and other heightened emotions meant there were a couple of snappish or impatient moments.  I noticed them at the time, acknowledged them, and moved on.  Now, though, I realize that they were significant. They, too, marked a shift back to “normal life” because when we are grieving, we are often so caught up in our – or our significant others’ – feelings and immediate emotions, there is simply no room for criticism, impatience, or arguments.

This leads me to wonder, how can we hold on to a piece of that?  How can we keep from losing sight of the feeling that our need to be close is more important than the mundane things which crop up and create distance?

Perhaps that is the purpose of grief and loss – to remind us of the important things.  Love, closeness, family.  And to allow us to put aside petty squabbles, differences, and frustrations while the important things are highlighted.  Yet I’m sure there is a way in daily life to hold those priorities dear, as well.  I’m going to work to try to find it because these things are more important.  Always.

The Trouble With Being Right

This morning, I had the pleasure of attending a brunch at my place of employment.  The discussion topic after we ate was “Religious Experiences,” and one participant was talking about the amount of energy in our lives that is wasted on trying to always be right.  This really struck a chord with me, as it touched on a theme I’ve been working on in my personal life as well.

One of my struggles as an anxious person is the need to be in control.  This, obviously, creates some obstacles in my interpersonal relationships because I cannot always be in control.  I cannot force my son’s other caregivers to follow my rules (though obviously a certain level of stability should be enforced); I cannot steer the car when my husband is behind the wheel; I cannot force my congregation to volunteer when I put out requests; and I cannot make my son put on socks that actually match his other clothing.  All of these ‘cannots’ may seem obvious and even trivial, but they can add up to a whole lot of struggle, hassle, and needless tension.

Yes, it is frustrating when things do not go my way.  Yes, I do have a deep-seated desire to be right and to assert my rightness.  (I’m thinking of a quote from The West Wing here: “Just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong.”)  And yes, I do tend to stress out when I know I have to approach a situation in which I am willingly and knowingly handing over control to someone else.

As such, when my fellow congregant spoke about the energy that “having to be right” requires, my attention was immediately drawn.  If I could learn to let go of the need to be right or the need to control, how much happier would I be?  How much more energy would I have to spend on other, far more important and relevant things?

Needing to be right is exhausting.  Even when one is legitimately, truly in the right… the argument involved in convincing anyone else of that can be so draining that it is hardly worth the trouble of getting there.  It’s hard to feel vindicated when you’re so worn out you just want to take a nap (… in your rightness, and be right).

Not to say there aren’t some things worth that energy expense.  There certainly are.  However, the “right” way to stack dishes, the “right” time to turn on one’s turning signal, and the “right” foods for a child to eat at his or her grandparents’ house are probably not among them.

Making A Comeback

The more time that pases, the harder it is to actually return to blogging. Nearly six months ago when I last posted here, I was still living in FL and was in the middle of a copious amount of stress involving job-hunting and the potential for relocation. It’s a period I don’t want to relive, so let’s just fast forward to today.

I am now employed with a UU church, as has been my goal for a couple of years now. I am living near family, and experiencing 4 seasons once again (sometimes all in one week!). My husband is recently employed as a web designer once again and couldn’t be happier! Next month, if not sooner, the Bug will also be enrolled in a preschool, and he may even be able to begin kindergarten as soon as next year!

The result of all of this is that we are all thriving once again, but my writing has suffered. Perhaps as our new routines stabilize, I will again be able to make room in my week for blogging, among the myriad other pieces.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

Yesterday I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about sexuality. In jest, I asked her to be my online girlfriend, and she responded, “Aren’t we already?” I told her she’d really given me something to think about: where is the line drawn between friendship and … something more?

My husband is my best friend, but he is also my life partner, the father of my son, and my lover. With us, there is nowhere to draw a line because all the roles blend together, each one waxing and waning as needed over time.

My closest female friend is not only friend, but also sister and would-be-lover if circumstances were different. We’ve both accepted that that is where our relationship sits, and it’s comfortable there. A definition has never really been necessary.

I’ll admit, I’ve only had one “official” relationship with another woman, but there have been countless crushes, and more than one case of falling in love. It bears mentioning that almost all of my closest female friends are also bisexual, so that complicates the question further. There is frequent flirting, but I’ve never asked, or thought to ask, the “where do we stand?” question in any of those situations.

So what does make the difference? Is it a matter of sex, alone? I don’t think it’s that simple. I’ve been in relationships where there was no sex, and I’ve had sex where there was no relationship. I don’t think sleeping together is the be-all and end-all.

It’s not about “I love you,” either. If someone is close to me, if they have reached that level of trust (not an easy feat, I’ll grant you) with me, I will use those words openly and often. They have too many diverse meanings to be stuffed into a single box.

If it boils down to nothing more than a mutual attraction, well then… I have a LOT of potential-girlfriends out there because God knows I can harbor a crush!

I guess, because I am in a monogamous relationship, I haven’t really needed to think about where that line is drawn – not for about nine years now. But it makes me curious what other folks think.

Where do you draw the line between friendship and dating?

Waffles Aren’t Just for Breakfast

A couple of weeks ago, right around when we started toying with the DC idea, my husband had a phone interview with a company in CA. A friend of his from HS works there and has been trying to get him to apply there since before he even lost his job back in Rochester. Finally we agreed he might as well see what happens. Well, the first interviewer liked him enough to pass his information further down the line, and now he has a second (phone) interview lined up for later this week. If that goes well too, they’ll be wanting to fly him out there to interview in person either later this month or early next month.

This whole turn of events has led to many late-night, long-drive, dinner-time, and telephone (while I’m on breaks at work) conversations between the two of us, weighing the pros and cons of this possibility from every imaginable angle. They say opportunity doesn’t knock twice, but this is definitely multiple knocks at this point. In the past, we’d ruled it out because O already had a decent job, and then because we didn’t want to move so far away. It always felt like a last-resort option. But even though we have definitely not exhausted all other possibilities, I do have to wonder how long this opportunity will realistically stick around.

As I consider this possibility for our family, I hear the voices of other people in our lives echoing in my head. I hear a lot of “shoulds,” and it’s difficult not to let those potential opinions color my perceptions. On the other hand, is “because I don’t want to!” a solid enough reason to say no, if the job is offered to him in the end?

Theoretically this job would offer us the financial freedom to visit home more often than we can from here, even though CA is further from NY than FL is. But how much more hassle would the flights be, especially when compared to our previous goal of moving to DC (from where we could also drive home relatively easily)?

Even if he is offered the job and we decide that he should take it, it doesn’t have to be forever. But how many times do I really want to uproot my entire life and move out of state, before finally settling someplace for the foreseeable future?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Digging Out of my Rut

Starting tomorrow, I begin a new (temporary) path.  I’ll be working outside of my home, full-time, for the first time since 2001.  In the past eight years, I’ve finished two college degrees, held two part-time jobs and a few work-from-home and/or volunteer positions, and birthed and cared for a now-almost-two-year-old little boy.  I haven’t worked in any kind of office since my son was born, and I haven’t worked a full 40-hour week since before I (re)started college.

Yes, I’m nervous.  I’m also excited.  Even before we moved to Florida, I had been wanting a change.  I have loved the past two years of being home to care for my son, but I was ready for something different.  Then, the plan had been that I would try to find something part-time back in NY, and put him in a day-care program for those part-days.

Then when everything fell apart on us in July and we made the decision to move down here, we discussed the possibility of me being the bread-winner and my husband being the stay-at-home parent. Of course, it was all just theoretical until one of us actually landed some kind of gainful employment. And that happened officially on Friday. I begin tomorrow on a temporary assignment scheduled to last through mid-January.

So yes, I’m excited for the change, but nervous about starting something new. I’m looking forward to the weekly paycheck, but concerned about how my son and husband will fare without me for ten (!) hours every day. I feel like a schoolgirl again, on an early September evening. I’ve picked out my clothes, packed my bag, and even bought a new purse (because my old one wasn’t big enough to comfortably house any reading material). I’ve had my shower this evening, so I don’t have to be up quite as obnoxiously early in the morning. Everything is ready for my 6:45 a.m. wakeup and 7:30 a.m. departure.

Am I ready? I guess I’ll have to be!

“That’s All Anybody Really Needs”

Monday is my wedding anniversary – 6 years since I married my best friend.  Today is the wedding anniversary of a dear friend of mine – 3 years since she married the man I never had the chance to meet.  A year ago on July 4th, her husband unexpectedly passed away.  Her Facebook status today reads:

Happy anniversary, honey. I hope it’s nicer where you are than where I am, and that cool music is always playing on the radio there.

During our conversation earlier today, I mentioned the similarities in our anniversary dates, and that I didn’t expect we would be doing anything special because money is fairly tight around here.  Her response (paraphrased):  “A night of cuddles and closeness are all anybody really needs.”

Yes.  She was absolutely right.  Times may be tough, but there is still so much for which I am grateful.  Taking a look at the situation from her perspective, I admonished myself for what I had said.  Though I know she did not intend to make me feel guilty, and that she welcomes “normal” conversation that does not tiptoe around her widowhood, I still chided myself not only for my insensitivity, but for taking for granted what I do have.

The Author and Jer Husband in July 2009

In all honesty, I already have those things that most valuable to me.  I have a roof over my head, even if it is not my own roof.  I have food on my table, and enough money to continue to buy that food, even if it means eventually dipping into savings to make ends meet.

But most importantly, I have someone to curl up with on the couch while we watch Veronica Mars or The West Wing, or play Wii games.  I have a Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit opponent, there for the asking.  I have a life partner, a father to my little boy and any future children we may have, and a companion.  I have him, and he has me.  And in the end, that’s all anybody really needs.

We’re Not in Kansas New York Anymore, Toto.

In the chaos of moving all the way down the East Coast, my blogging habits have sort of fallen by the wayside.  Hopefully that will be rectified soon, though possibly not immediately as we’re still trying to get ourselves situated down here.  (And hey – if you’re in the Ft Myers, Tampa, or Gainesville area and have need of an IT professional or Office Assistant/Writer/Editor, drop me a line!)  In the meantime, let me share a few observations I’ve made since mid-August when we arrived.  These are the ways I’ve found (so far!) in which FL differs from upstate NY:

• The differences in the weather pretty much go without saying, but I think if I neglect to mention them, someone will point it out.  So… yeah.  The weather, even at this time of year, is very different.  Hotter, more humid, etc.  And as upstate NY’s temperatures are starting to dip a bit into autumn… we’re still seeing highs around 90 pretty much every day, down here.  I’m going to miss the changing colors (and changing wardrobe options, I admit) of autumn, but I won’t at all miss the chill and treacherous road conditions of winter.

• Wildlife is definitely different down here too.  During our first week here, we found a tiny lizard in the hallway of the condo where we’re staying.  A lizard.  In the house.  In fact, they are everywhere around here!  I’ve gotten used to it now, but it’s still weird to me.
• Even going to the grocery store is a different experience down here.  My loving husband went to buy me some juice a couple of weeks ago because I was sick.  I didn’t want anything citrus because my throat was sore, and the acidity would’ve made matters worse.  But the food and drink choices down here are different too!  Wanting something non-citrus would seem to be something of a cardinal sin in the state of oranges and key limes.  That said, if you like citrus fruit and/or seafood, this is your place!  Also, the flavors of yogurts that we’ve found down here, just in the stores’ own brands… OMG, yum!  Caramel creme, guava, strawberry cheesecake…  Mmm!
• Would you believe that even shopping malls are different?  Here in the Ft Myers area, at least, the majority of the shopping centers are outside.  They aren’t quite what I’d call strip-malls, but they’re also not what I’m used to in NY.  Of course, in NY, such malls would lose a lot of business for a good quarter to half of the year!  And when you’re in a place so full of sunshine, I think it’s assumed that folks want to be outside in it.

I admit, some of it is taking some getting used to. There have been several days where I’ve sulked about how different life is down here. But then, when I moved from Groton, NY to Ithaca, NY – and when I moved from Ithaca to Rochester, I went through the same sets of feelings. This is just a grander scale transition. In time, I will find places and things (and even people) to love here, as well.

Until then, at least the transition gives me blog-fodder!

Nothing to Lose, Much to Gain

My husband received some devastating news on Wednesday – he was let go from his job. The end-result of this is that we are no longer buying our house. We spent several tear-filled hours that afternoon, and spent much of Thursday in a post-stress daze punctuated by many comforting hugs and cuddles before piling into the car on Friday to get away from it all for the weekend (visiting my family). On Monday, we jump headlong into Planning The Future.

We’re very much trying to look at this experience as an opportunity instead of a loss. Back in February, just after returning from a visit with my in-laws in Florida, we were lamenting the northeastern US winters, but we decided to stick around because of O’s job. In today’s economy, one doesn’t just walk away from steady, seemingly stable employment.

However, when that employment instead walks away from you… you become suddenly free to go wherever you want, or wherever the Fates may take you. I don’t necessarily agree with Janis’ definition of “freedom,” but we definitely hope for plenty to gain.

Photo credit

Yes, I AM Proud

My husband, the U.S. citizen

As a high schooler, I really resented having to recite the Pledge of Allegience.  To me, those words we were speaking were a great idea, but they weren’t the reality of the country we actually lived in, in the 1990s.  To be honest, I don’t think my teenaged self really understood what we have as Americans.

We live in a country where we are free to speak, to dress however we like, to marry whatever race (and in five states now, whatever gender) we so choose.  Certainly those freedoms are imperfect – and it was that imperfection on which I used to lay my focus – but we have them.  To think otherwise is to really display one’s ignorance of the world outside our own backyard.

There are places in the world where I could be killed for speaking with any man who is not a relative.  Or for wearing the gym shorts and t-shirt I have on right now.  There are places where even the imperfect tolerance of other religions, races, orientations, etc. we have, simply do not exist.

It’s taken me years to realize what I have.  To understand that yes, I still need to keep fighting for the causes I believe in, but that I at least have the freedom to keep up that fight.  In this country of ours, we have hope.  We can dream, and we can make those dreams a reality.  And that, readers, is why the man up there in that picture is smiling.  He is one of us now.  And look how proud he is!