The Withdrawal Method to My Madness

Bottle of spilled Lexapro. Image from http://www.scumdoctor.com/

A few weeks back, after accidentally skipping a dose or two, I decided to try weaning myself off my trusted friend, Mr. Lex A. Pro. I was on a very low dose as it was – only 5 mg per day. So I did as my doctor had directed, taking my dose only every other day for 2 weeks. That ended … about a week ago, I believe. For the moment, I am med-free.

It’s been an interesting journey. My whole life, I’ve battled anxiety and occasional depression. It peaked after my son (now 18 months) was born, but I didn’t get the help I truly needed until 10 months ago when I finally decided medication was the answer.

I’d always resisted medication before that point having heard far too many horror stories, and just generally hating the idea that I might have to rely on medication to stabilize my emotions, possibly for the rest of my life. But when my postpartum depression/anxiety hadn’t faded by the time 8 months had passed, I couldn’t resist any longer. My relationship with my son and with my husband… and with myself… absolutely depended on it.

As it turned out, the medication was a godsend. I could sleep like a normal person, my temper was in check, and I could cope with day to day stressors without blowing them way out of proportion. I really liked the way I felt, and freely admitted I’d been wrong to resist so long.

Having said all that, I still don’t like the idea of being on the medication forever. IF it can be avoided. I suppose, in a way, my stopping is something of a trial for me. I want to find out whether or not I can manage my problems in a med-free manner, now that I’ve adjusted to motherhood and my life has attained its own (new) status quo.

So far, it hasn’t been terrible, but I definitely felt better on the Lexapro. My moods are less stable, I’m more on edge, and I’m staying up too late at night. If this is the reality of non-medicated me, I will likely return to Mr. Pro. Time will tell, however, whether the dizziness, the crankiness/irritability, the fatigue (which is likely related to…), the insomnia, and the generally heightened emotionality fades back to more manageable levels on its own, or continues as is. Right at the moment, it’s impossible to tell whether what I’m feeling is my own struggles with GAD, or just the lovely sense of withdrawal from my medication.

Stay tuned to find out where this road will take me.

Lexapro + Dawn = OTP?

My whole life, I’ve been a worrier. That’s what most people think of when faced with the word “anxiety.” However, for me, the truth of Anxiety goes much deeper.

For me, Anxiety comes in multiple forms:
* depressive symptoms
* a predisposition to guilt feelings
* anger/frustration and a quick temper or short fuse
* fear or hatred of situations where I feel I am not in control and cannot be in control

I was 28 by the first time I started therapy, and I was against the idea of medication from the start. I had heard horror stories about feeling like a zombie, and about how long it could sometimes take to find the right course of treatment. Plus, I was very much anti-chemical at that stage of my life (I’m a little more middle-ground on the subject, now). Behavioral therapy with a trusted professional was much more comfortable than a pill bottle.

Five years later, my perspective has changed. In September of last year, I started a very low dose of Lexapro, after a combination of factors led me to a very uncomfortable place. I no longer felt like I was safe to care for myself and my son without chemical intervention. Some of this was driven by postpartum hormonal shifts, some by sleep deprivation, and some by the aforementioned Anxiety Disorder I already had. When I look back at that time period, I never fail to be amazed that I went nearly 9 months before getting medication. The newborn age was brutal for me, and the months following were not always much better. Simply put, there were constant situations where I could not “control” the situation; being a parent is full of these, of course. Sometimes I questioned how I could ever have been crazy enough to think I could handle it.

But I did. Not always very well, of course, but those months passed, and no one was harmed. I grew to bond with and love my son in ways I never ever could have imagined before he was born. But still, I struggled. Naptime was often a battle of wills, and there were far, far too many days where I fled his room in tears, thinking terrible thoughts and begging my husband to come home to help me. I needed help, and I needed it fast. Help came in the form of 5mg of Lexapro.

from Walgreens.com

Since then, I won’t claim I’ve never lost my temper. I wouldn’t tell you that every single naptime (or other struggle) has gone perfectly smoothly, nor that I’m some kind of Super Woman who never has Screamy Mommy Days.* What I will say is this: those days are FAR fewer, and far less scary since I started taking medication to manage my anxiety.

That’s a little scary in and of itself, though. Yesterday, I forgot to take my meds. I didn’t realize it until I was in the middle of naptime, and noticed myself feeling a lot more on edge than seemed normal. As I was gritting my teeth, thinking, “Why won’t he just go to SLEEP already?” it occurred to me that I’d forgotten it, and maybe that’s why I was so frustrated. That startled me because I like to think I could just stop taking it without any problems. I like to believe that I am “stronger” than the Anxiety. I want to be able to stop relying on a little white pill (or half of one, as the case may be) for my stability, particularly if/when my husband and I begin to try for Buggie’s younger sibling. I would like to be meds-free when pregnant, if not also while trying to conceive. But moments like yesterday’s make me wonder if I may just be on it for the long haul.

* FireMom, the author of the blog linked here, is an online friend I met while pregnant. Her son, LittleBrother, is 3 weeks older than Buggie.